My Sister's Keeper

Sometimes I’m unsure of what I should say to her. I have all these thoughts and all this information from my own experiences, but I hesitate to share any of it with her. I remember how nervous I was when I had a conversation with her about molestation. I was nervous but we had the conversation and it was completely okay. A part of me wants to shelter and protect her from the world and another part wants to introduce her to all the dark alleys and corners.

 I know she isn’t an innocent child, at 18 she’s had her share of experiences, some she’s probably never told me about… I guess in a way I’d rather allow her friends to corrupt her than be a part of it. Like maybe if they corrupt her and I’m here to keep her centered through it, that would be better than being the one introducing her to the corruption... because I believe everyone is corrupted at some point in life. I just want for her to not be as naïve as I was at her age and to not have to deal with some of the unnecessary pain and hurt that I experienced. I want her to “find” herself way before I did and be confident in who she is.

As the oldest of five siblings, I’ve always felt a sense of responsibility. As my little sister sleeps on my floor pillows, I look at her and feel sadness. I know she’s not where she wants to be (figuratively) and I know she’s not at her happiest. I often wish I could give her my joy, my carefree nature and my independence. I know she often feels like a caged bird and to give her those things would bring us both great pleasure.

People usually say things like “when I blow up I’m buying my mama a house” and there’s nothing wrong with that. However, what if mama just wants an afternoon in the park with you? That house will bring her only temporary satisfaction. I’m not banking anything on whether or not I “blow up”, that’s not what I aspire to be… blown up.

 I want to be able to give what cannot be held, smelled, heard, seen or tasted. I just want for my sister (and siblings in general) to be happy in the true sense of the word. I want them to recognize their potential and fulfill their purpose in life. I want world peace, joy and love… starting with my loved ones.