Can I Be Ride Or Die?

I’m afraid that when I finally meet a man that’s worth all my love and care that I won’t treat him accordingly. I’ve seen so many women in my family bend over backwards and sideways to please men that treat them like an option, that I’ve grown a bit cold to the idea of being “ride or die” for any man.

I’ve been in the position where I knew that the person I was with didn’t deserve me, but I was willing to stick it out and work things out. Because of that, I turned a blind eye to blatant disrespect, mistreatment, dishonesty and cheating. I thought I could “fix” this person because I loved him and he loved me. We would get in arguments and I would say things like “I can’t be with you, I’m done!” or “I don’t need you”, but I still stayed with him.

There was always this fear of becoming like some of the women in my family that I said hurtful things that I knew were hurtful, just to prove my point. My point was to prove that I wasn’t weak and that I would be okay by myself…. That was the second part of my fear though, being alone. I was so far in love with this person that I literally couldn’t and didn’t want to imagine my life without him.

Eventually though, all those fears dissipated. Enough was enough and I ended that relationship. It was super hard and took almost an entire year before I was “over” him, but I healed. I’m at a place now where I know what I’m willing to be flexible with and what I definitely will not allow. I refuse to be like the women I commend for being as strong as they are.

I want to be the strong woman that I am because of perseverance and courage, not because I put up with the ridiculous things a man that no longer loves me puts me through for his own gain. I refuse to be manipulated and believe it to be one of the worst things a man can do to a woman. I’ve been on both sides of loving a man so much that I forgive everything he does as long as he’s not literally beating me down. I believe emotional and psychological beatings to be just as bad as physical ones and I never want to be in that position.

All of this has made me super skeptical about most men and hesitant to fall in love again. After all, falling is usually painful. I don’t want to fall; I don’t want to be caught. I want to walk into love, eyes wide open, with a man that appreciates me as much as I appreciate him. Until then, I can only pray that by the time we find each other it’s not too late. I have a lot of love to give and would hate to die with it still inside me…