Green.

Color me green

For if I was green I would be more easily seen

More easily heard amongst all the noise of color

Light skinned, dark skinned, brown skin, pale

Massive attack like in a thunderstorm of hail

We look at each other and see shades of one another

Deciding who is better because of our color

Judging each other and making assumptions

our great Dr. King asked for us not to be judged by the color of our skin

yet we ignorantly and most times knowingly judge one another

So color me green, my favorite color

For I’d rather be seen as a blade of grass glistening after a spring time rain

Or a leap frog most appealing to a curious child

Even a crayon used to bring color to the gray areas

Than to be packaged in a category by my shade of brown

Though sometimes hard to believe we still have this discussion

It is so eminent among those of us that are separated by a shade

So why don’t we try comparing hearts?

We can judge whose love is big enough to love regardless of color

Regardless of shade

Regardless of complexion

It’ll be a winning race based on face, hearts, and minds

One where no one is better than the next

One where every shade of brown is accepted as equal amongst all the brown people

It’s not so hard so why don’t we try?

It’s never ok to turn a blind eye

So join with me as we say dabber Dee

To the restrictions we place on our selves

 the stereotypes we’ve created, that makes you think you are better than me

Until then I say color me green

Just until we can see past shades and you can see me for me

My Sister's Keeper

Sometimes I’m unsure of what I should say to her. I have all these thoughts and all this information from my own experiences, but I hesitate to share any of it with her. I remember how nervous I was when I had a conversation with her about molestation. I was nervous but we had the conversation and it was completely okay. A part of me wants to shelter and protect her from the world and another part wants to introduce her to all the dark alleys and corners.

 I know she isn’t an innocent child, at 18 she’s had her share of experiences, some she’s probably never told me about… I guess in a way I’d rather allow her friends to corrupt her than be a part of it. Like maybe if they corrupt her and I’m here to keep her centered through it, that would be better than being the one introducing her to the corruption... because I believe everyone is corrupted at some point in life. I just want for her to not be as naïve as I was at her age and to not have to deal with some of the unnecessary pain and hurt that I experienced. I want her to “find” herself way before I did and be confident in who she is.

As the oldest of five siblings, I’ve always felt a sense of responsibility. As my little sister sleeps on my floor pillows, I look at her and feel sadness. I know she’s not where she wants to be (figuratively) and I know she’s not at her happiest. I often wish I could give her my joy, my carefree nature and my independence. I know she often feels like a caged bird and to give her those things would bring us both great pleasure.

People usually say things like “when I blow up I’m buying my mama a house” and there’s nothing wrong with that. However, what if mama just wants an afternoon in the park with you? That house will bring her only temporary satisfaction. I’m not banking anything on whether or not I “blow up”, that’s not what I aspire to be… blown up.

 I want to be able to give what cannot be held, smelled, heard, seen or tasted. I just want for my sister (and siblings in general) to be happy in the true sense of the word. I want them to recognize their potential and fulfill their purpose in life. I want world peace, joy and love… starting with my loved ones.

Can I Be Ride Or Die?

I’m afraid that when I finally meet a man that’s worth all my love and care that I won’t treat him accordingly. I’ve seen so many women in my family bend over backwards and sideways to please men that treat them like an option, that I’ve grown a bit cold to the idea of being “ride or die” for any man.

I’ve been in the position where I knew that the person I was with didn’t deserve me, but I was willing to stick it out and work things out. Because of that, I turned a blind eye to blatant disrespect, mistreatment, dishonesty and cheating. I thought I could “fix” this person because I loved him and he loved me. We would get in arguments and I would say things like “I can’t be with you, I’m done!” or “I don’t need you”, but I still stayed with him.

There was always this fear of becoming like some of the women in my family that I said hurtful things that I knew were hurtful, just to prove my point. My point was to prove that I wasn’t weak and that I would be okay by myself…. That was the second part of my fear though, being alone. I was so far in love with this person that I literally couldn’t and didn’t want to imagine my life without him.

Eventually though, all those fears dissipated. Enough was enough and I ended that relationship. It was super hard and took almost an entire year before I was “over” him, but I healed. I’m at a place now where I know what I’m willing to be flexible with and what I definitely will not allow. I refuse to be like the women I commend for being as strong as they are.

I want to be the strong woman that I am because of perseverance and courage, not because I put up with the ridiculous things a man that no longer loves me puts me through for his own gain. I refuse to be manipulated and believe it to be one of the worst things a man can do to a woman. I’ve been on both sides of loving a man so much that I forgive everything he does as long as he’s not literally beating me down. I believe emotional and psychological beatings to be just as bad as physical ones and I never want to be in that position.

All of this has made me super skeptical about most men and hesitant to fall in love again. After all, falling is usually painful. I don’t want to fall; I don’t want to be caught. I want to walk into love, eyes wide open, with a man that appreciates me as much as I appreciate him. Until then, I can only pray that by the time we find each other it’s not too late. I have a lot of love to give and would hate to die with it still inside me…

BRIDES

This time last year I was heartbroken, torn and in pieces. Yes… over a man. But not just any man because we were engaged to be married and were planning our wedding.

 This man and I were in a relationship for a year and a half before he popped the question; we were friends for a year and a half before we even started dating. I just said that to say that we knew each other fairly well. It wasn’t like a “let’s go to Vegas and get hitched ‘cause I love you since I’ve know you for a month” type thing….

 Anywho(because ‘who’ is more fun to say than ‘way’), we were in full swing with the planning(venue, food, music, etc.) and I was really excited, we both were… we kind of butt heads a few times because unlike most men who prefer to sit back and let the bride to be plan everything, my fiancé wanted to have a say in EVERYTHING. No biggie though, we were young and in love.

That was May, fast forward to the end of April the following year, and there I was…moving out of the apartment we shared (I may or may not blog about the events that conspired in between the wedding planning and the break up. Not now though).

So because I’m the thrifty shopper that I am, I had found a bunch of invites, response cards, favor boxes and such that I (with the help of my coordinator) was planning to jazz up and personalize… Did I mention that I didn’t marry this man? Ok, good. The first summer of my broken engagement was really tough for me, I was a bipolar wreck. Don’t feel sad though, it got better!

 I went on the most amazing journey of self-discovery and learned so much about Tamarah(that’s me). During that time, I decided that I no longer “believed” in marriage. I convinced myself that it was overrated and no married person would ever be happy… in a way it was easier for me to imagine that everyone else was just as miserable as I was (at that time). Breathe easy though, I’ve since grown out of that mentality *pats self on back*

Okay, back to the point! So because there was no exchange of vows, there was no need to mail any invites or expect any responses (I’m actually laughing at myself here). But just because there was no wedding, didn’t mean that all the wedding stuff (for lack of a better word) I bought just dissipated. I was almost married, but everybody knows “almost doesn’t count”. Unless we’re counting the cost of this stuff I no longer need… but that’s neither here nor there.

With that said, what the heck do I do with these invites and such? What would you do?

Why now?

I've decided to do this blog for a few reasons, two of the reasons are people. These people are two beautiful women that encompass strength, courage, wisdom, humor and transparency(and a bunch of other good stuff that's important to me). In my mind(don't judge me. lol) these two women are very close friends. For now however, we're just friends on multiple social networks :)... I feel myself about to ramble, bare with me as I try not to make a short story long!
One of these ladies posted something on a social network about every woman having a story and being careful not to judge any woman; the other woman commented and posted a link to her blog. I found the whole thing to be just amazing(for lack of a more awesome word), and decided that although I do blog on another site that I wanted to be more transparent and less vague. In a way this may serve as a mini challenge for me because of my private nature... but I feel(because I listen to my feelings) like this will only help my journey along.
I do hope you enjoy. Feel free to ask questions and offer suggestions.